Four Easy Ways to Incorporate Coaching Communication Today

So you’ve been learning about coaching and you’re keen to see if it works in your life - especially at work with colleagues, your boss, your students, and their families, not to mention with your own friends and family. What might you try first?

The truth is, it’s the mindset that makes coaching special. Thinking of others around you as capable and resourceful changes how you interact with them. It might be that you try out some of these conversational gambits.

1. Resist the urge to always give advice.
   A lot of times when people come with an idea, problem, or query, they may appear to want advice, but what they actually want is empathy for having the idea (or problem or query) and support to think of what to do next. Here is something you could say: “That does indeed sound tricky/interesting/confusing. What are your thoughts about it so far?”
   Most leaders we’ve talked to want to help their team move forward without always being the one to provide the answers. Maybe you can say, “I have some ideas about that. Before I share them, could I ask you a few questions?” After a little pause to get their assent, continue with, “What is it you want to achieve?” or “What does success look like?” (When we have used this approach, we don’t always need to share our ideas at the end. Often, people decide what to do on their own and they forget that we say we had ideas!)

2. Leave a slightly longer pause after someone finishes talking.
   We count to three in our heads (or six in a coaching session) to give that space. We might nod and smile so people don’t think we are too crazy. To be fair, you might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but the other person will instead feel a slight spaciousness to the conversation that allows them to think better.

3. Ask questions in a way that implies you think they are capable.
   They’ve got a problem and one thing the old you might have said is, “Is it possible to get out of this mess?” Now you might try something that shows you think they can solve their own problem, such as, “And what are your thoughts about that?” or “What is your current thinking about the best way forward?” People hear the unspoken message that you believe they are able to have valuable ideas. Additional examples: “What do you notice about this situation that might be helpful?” (We use this one with our students all the time. Young people often surprise us with their insights.)

4. Focus on how far they have already come.
   Even in tricky situations, people are part way to solving problems just by beginning to think about it. Most people have done much more, but the difficulty of the road ahead makes them ignore how far they have already come. “What have you done so far that is getting you closer to your goal?” is a way to uncover their strengths and resources so far. We also like, “What is working at the moment regarding this?” or “What are you doing that is stopping it getting any worse?” The value of these questions are to make tangible to them that they are resourceful and already making progress. If they can’t think of anything, you can supply, “I notice that you’re already thinking about this and you came to talk with me - that shows you are already making progress. Let’s talk about it and see what you think would be good to do next.”

Any of these communication strategies would show the people around you that you think they are capable and resourceful.

💡Is there one of these you would like to try?

💡What would you add as the fifth way you could show someone you believe in them?